


my heart is wasted

by zeloflake



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-01 08:51:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12701502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeloflake/pseuds/zeloflake
Summary: Jongin sees his boyfriend kissing someone else in the car and tries to deal with the destroyed heart that ensues.genre: angsty and kinda philosophical/reflective" You see, everything is cyclical." Baekhyun made a big gesture, forming a circle on the air with his hands, "People hurt people who hurt people. Your ex was broken by his former boyfriend, and now he hurt you. Maybe he wanted to prove he was also able to damage other people, or maybe he was unconsciously imitating the one he likes. Either way, it's a perfect cycle."





	my heart is wasted

Crying by himself in the parking lot of the gas station was a new low, even for Jongin. He was freshly heartbroken, the little pieces left of his heart scattered on the way there. But having just seen his boyfriend of the past year making out with his ex inside a car, dignity wasn't a high in his priority list at the moment.

Kyungsoo.

He didn't know for how long Kyungsoo had been cheating on him, or if the boy just had a really bad case of selective memory loss, but it didn't really matter then. As he tried to light up a cigarette without burning himself - not an easy task after many, many rounds of beer and whiskey - Jongin let himself cry his heart out. He was very much in love, and what good was that now?

When the relationship had begun, Jongin knew he was with a broken boy. But he'd trusted in himself to put the pieces back where they belonged, and fill his heart once again with love. And he used to think he had done a great job - after a few months, Kyungsoo was brighter, playing around, more active in the . Apparently, though, that wasn't really because of him (had it ever been, really?).

They had met at a club, on what was supposed to be an one night stand. But Jongin took a liking to the boy with a sad smile and eyes that were just a little big for his face. They got to know each other a little over eggs and rice, exchanging phone numbers before saying goodbye. After that, their meetings were frequent, hooking up included. Kyungsoo revealed that he had recently left a relationship after their third date, and did not want anything serious. Which Jongin was fine with, before realizing that he wasn't, not really.

He was infatuated with the elder and his lovely ways - there was something elegant about his choice of words, something melancholic about his stare. He knew he wanted a committed relationship, but waited a good 6 months of having known Kyungsoo before saying anything, afraid he'd scare the other boy away. And he probably would've, seeing the face he made when Jongin suggested exclusivity. A relationship that was more personal than chatting and ing. Seeing as they already had toothbrushes in the other's house by this point, it wasn't much of a stretch.

Kyungsoo.

He had fallen hard, and deluded himself into thinking the feeling was mutual.

He had been so happy while he believed.

He had been such a fool.

It couldn't really be considered cheating before they began to date, but Kyungsoo had always been anything but exclusive. That was why, after a months of half-assed excuses and private phone calls, Jongin demanded an explanation, which he received with a blank face and a hardly apologetic voice. Kyungsoo seemed to think it was granted that he'd still see other people, even after their conversation. Things were thrown (Jongin did), voices were raised (Jongin's more than Kyungsoo's), hearts were broken (Jongin's was). But that wasn't even the worst part, not really.

_"WHAT THE ACTUAL ARE YOU DOING TEXTING HIM, KYUNGSOO?" Jongin had just gone through his boyfriend's cellphone - it wouldn't stop buzzing while the other was in the kitchen, and while a part of him was worried it could be work, the rest was afraid of the worst. This._

_Infidelity._

_"I don't think you're being reasonable, Jongin." While he had the decency to look uncomfortable, Kyungsoo was still very much composed. It contrasted greatly with Jongin's rage - all he wanted was for the other to be just as livid as him. To finally see him unable to control himself, just like Jongin always was when it came to the older boy. "I can still be friends with my ex, you know. And I don't appreciate you invading my privacy like that."_

_He blamed himself. He had seen it coming. He thought he'd be better than the others. That Kyungsoo wouldn't cheat, not on him. He had made a bet and now he was paying the price._

_"I SAW." Away flew a paperback from their shelf. "THE ING . " A remote control. "HE SENT YOU." A glass ashtray, that luckily missed the target, crashing on the wall with a broken noise. "TELL THE BASTARD HE HAS ING GREAT ABS."_

_"ARE YOU ING INSANE?" Kyungsoo's eyes were huge in fear. Good. Jongin finally extracted a reaction of the older boy. He didn't even care anymore if it wasn't affection."I'm out of here. I hope you can control yourself better next time, Jongin. I have never thought of you as dangerous."_

_He grabbed his keys and left, not even bothering to look back. It wouldn't be anything he hadn't seen before._

_"Well, I can't say the same to you." Jongin choked on his words as he let grief consume him._

But Kyungsoo was cruel. He was unable of letting go of things, even if they were no longer his (though Jongin was). Even if he had already cracked them beyond repair.

A week after their fight, Jongin would be awoken by a ringing phone at 3 am, a deep voice on the other side.

_"I am so sorry. I promise it'll be different this time. Please take me back, I can't stand the person I am when I'm not with you."_

_"Kyungsoo, please don't do this..."_

_"I'm serious. I can't sleep well when the person next to me isn't you. I swear I'll change." He stopped to wipe his tears, loud sniffing noises coming through the cell phone, "Please, Jongin."_

And that did it. Jongin knew it wasn't wise, that it was going against his better judgment. He knew the boy had a bad record of lying and keeping things from him. He knew the voice on the phone wasn't sincere, not really. But he just couldn't resist when Kyungsoo called his name. That sent shivers down his spine and sparks through his whole body. And knowing he had the chance of hearing it again and again was irresistible.

Kyungsoo.

There was something about him. He was like a maze with only dead ends. Jongin could never really understand him, and that only made him yearn for the boy more. He felt an intense need to be the subject of the boy's desires and fantasies. He started to measure his worth by the hunger in Kyungsoo's eyes when he started to strip.

He knew he would never be able to reach the end of the maze, but that sure as hell did not stop him from trying.

And what did it mean, now? If he was discarded once again, so easily, like it was a natural thing? He had been through enough of the boy's social media to recognize the face his (ex?) boyfriend on the backseat of the car. He had compared himself to that face many times, falling short every time. He knew that was the face who left Kyungsoo devastated, and not much more. Now, it was also the face of a bastard who stole his boyfriend simply because he could.

He didn't know what he was lacking. No, he couldn't play the guitar. No, he couldn't speak chinese. But what did these details matter on the grand scheme of things? He had been nothing but dedicated and loving and faithful. If that wasn't enough, what could he do? If taking out his heart and giving it to Kyungsoo would've kept him, he would walk around with an empty chest for the rest of his living days. It's not like it would be so different from now, anyhow.

Kyungsoo.

The memories came in bitter waves, washing over him like coffee. He was overcome, every time, with the certainty of the betrayal and the hopelessness of his adoration. It wouldn't do to stay like this forever, but for now he wanted to rejoice in his heartbreak. It was all he had left. Dancing under a thunderstorm, with no other person in sight. The rain would be made solely of his tears.

 

"Um, I'm sorry to bother you, but... Are you all right? You want to talk, maybe?"

Jongin looked where the kind voice was coming from. He saw a puppy-eyed boy looking down at him with pity in his eyes and a sincere smile in his face.

"Thanks, I'm fine." He wiped the tears off his face hurriedly, the fabric of his jacket rough against his skin, "You don't want to be dragged in this mess."

"Well, I believe you." Puppy boy offered his hand tentatively, "But, you see. It's my shift on the convenience store now and I'd rather prefer if you cried inside. It's heated and I won't need to stretch my neck every time I want to check if you haven't been robbed or frozen to death."

Jongin looked, confused, at the cashier. Was he trying to be kind? It was hard to tell, but he had a suspicion that the boy had only put it that way so he'd give in more easily. And so, he yielded.

"My name's Baekhyun, by the way."

 

"Can you believe it?" Jongin munched sadly on his ice cream, sitting next to Baekhyun behind the counter of the gas station convenience store. The other boy had been listening intently while distractedly eating his own ice cream. "He treated me like . Like I deserve absolutely no respect. To him, I'm as unimportant as the poop of a random dog. Even worse! I'm like the fly sitting on top of the poop of a random dog. That is exactly how I fell right now."

"That's real tough, buddy."

"All my love, the that filled my heart whole and made it spill with affection and tenderness, was worth nothing. Today, my heart is wasted."

"Must be awful, really. Awful."

"You know, I realize you don't care." He now munched a little more aggressively on the ice cream, "But I could use a little sympathy at the moment."

"That's not fair! I care!" Now it was Baekhyun's turn to make a hurt face - only his resembled a lot more of a kicked puppy than Jongin's. "In a very disconnected, we-just-met-ten-minutes-ago kind of way, but it counts. In fact, I think this is all really interesting. I haven't told you, but I'm not simply a mere employee in the midnight shift of the convenient store. I happen to be an extremely broke university student who also works at the convenience store to be able to eat. Analyze your situation with me here; don't you see a kind of cycle there?"

" You see, everything is cyclical." Baekhyun made a big gesture, forming a circle on the air with his hands, "People hurt people who hurt people. Your ex was broken by his former boyfriend, and now he hurt you. Maybe he wanted to prove he was also able to damage other people, or maybe he was unconsciously imitating the one he likes. Either way, it's a perfect cycle."

"Well," Jongin didn't know if he felt better or worse after hearing the clerk's opinion, "thank you very much for the pseudo psychoanalyst bullcrap, but that doesn't do much for my heart right now. I don't care if it's a circle, a square or even a ing hexagon. He still left me for a guy that will only hurt him again.  Self-pity is a , yes. But it's all I have left now."

"Of course it isn't." Baekhyun had finished his ice cream and now munched absently on the plastic spoon, "You have your family, friends, studies, career and, most importantly, ice cream. Ice cream never leaves you. It never breaks your heart. Trust me, I've had my fair share to know."

Jongin noticed an ambiguity in Baek's sentence.

"Of ice cream, or of broken hearts?"

The boy's smile turned bitter under the white artificial light.

"I didn't think we were talking about me, now were we? I'm not the one crying over my ex over here. Just a stranger trying to be nice to a broken-hearted boy. Don't you know you have to be at least a level 5 friend to unlock the tragic back story? Stop rushing things, and it will be alright. And I don't mean only now - maybe try being a little more careful to give your heart out next time. It is already bruised enough as it is."

Jongin sniffed a last sob, cleaning his face with the already-soaked sleeve of his shirt before Baekhyun fetched him some tissues. It seemed like the crying had finally died out, and he'd live another day. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe a stitched heart was still able to love. It would hurt like hell, but he was not one to give up. And at the very least, he had made a new friend.

"Hey, Baekhyun."

"Yeah?" He was cleaning his nails with the thinner end of the spoon. Gross. Very pretty hands, though.

"What's your major? Psychology, neurology, something like that? I can't believe you actually helped me get out of moping-blob condition."

"Oh, I want to be a botanist."

That is, if he didn't murder the other boy first.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this fic, which is in fact a gift for my friend kyusbaby ;3 Tell me what you thought in the comments, I always love to read them~
> 
> This fic is inspired in a brazilian song called "Meu Coração deu PT" by Wesley Safadão, which would translate literally to "my heart is so drunk it threw up", and loosely to "my heart is wasted".
> 
> In case anyone is interested, I'll leave my translation of the song and a link to it!
> 
>  
> 
> I'll grab my guitar
> 
> A cup, a beer
> 
> a whisky and a cigarette
> 
>  
> 
> I'm not okay at all
> 
> I saw my ex kissing someone else in the car
> 
>  
> 
> I don't understand why she called me
> 
> Missing me, weeping
> 
> Needy, begging for us to get back together
> 
>  
> 
> I didn't hook up with anyone else
> 
> Waiting for you, I trusted too much
> 
> I was wrong again, you disappointed me
> 
>  
> 
> Once again, I got drunk because of you
> 
> Once again, my heart is wasted
> 
>  
> 
> It's your fault if I'm sitting miserable in the middle of the street
> 
> Leave me here to suffer, I don't want no help
> 
>  
> 
> I was so innocent to believe that you still loved me
> 
> Now tell me
> 
> What was this crappy love you used to feel?
> 
>  
> 
> Yesterday I was the love of your life
> 
> What am I now?
> 
> What am I now?
> 
> Today I'm history to you
> 
>  
> 
> video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsWe3GeHb8Y
> 
> original lyrics: https://www.letras.mus.br/wesley-safadao/meu-coracao-deu-pt/


End file.
